Junk Food & Six Packs

I find that when i have nothing better to do i tend to eat. Whats really aggravating is opening the fridge door to find that there's literally nothing that is edible or within it best-before date. Of course if I've got nothing better to do, you'd think id go shopping, but no, i don't think this way. Also, after leaving uni, I've really stopped cooking... well i never really started cooking when i was at uni, but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I'm eating more junk food than ever before, and NO, chocolate or ice-cream is not classed as junk, and who ever says otherwise is Blasphemous!

So, to stop my 147 pounds and size 30 waist turning rapidly into 170 and 38, I've 'decided' to join the local gym. Aren't i good!? Well i will be when i actually join. Currently I'm envisioning wash-board abs with my pectoralis major muscles clearly defined and biceps/triceps well toned. Oh and don't forget the butt and legs. OK, yes all the above will never happen, but I've got to aim high! I've also 'decided' to go swimming as well. Maybe 'go' is the wrong word, i think 'learn' is better. My last swimming experience left me nearly dead, with two lungs full of chlorine tasting water... even though i could stand up on my toes in the deep end. I'm also going to invest in some goggles, not the ones you have to spit in, the other type. That way may contact lenses won't slip out of my eyes and render me blind, clever huh! When it happens I'll post a picture of my six-pack... umm don't expect it anytime this decade... but it will happen... .

Sinister Grannies

Life at home is still kinda dull... well i suppose i can't expect it to be all glitter like Justin T's or umm... (god i can't think of another male celebrity!) ... Paris Hilton.

Had a picnic and got lost in the maze for half an hour at the local park. Embarrassing when you realise it’s suppose to be for kids and even worst when you get caught cheating, climbing over the 2 metre fence covered in nettles! So itching all over, I finally decided to play in the sand pit with my baby nephew. I promptly decided it’d be fun to bury him in the sand, shoulder deep, didn’t want the poor guy to suffocate. Finishing my proudly made hole in the ground, I turned round to ask him if he was ready to get buried, but he was no-where to be found…! Instead, I came face-to-face with a 6 year old girl with an excited look in her eyes and who promptly spun round and said, “Grandma can I get buried?”, and then indicated to me. I swear, if looks could kill, my ashes would have been picked up by the wind and scattered around the park there and then. Didn’t realise old grannies could be so sinister looking! With my hole in the ground left behind, I retreated back to the family with the continuing glare from the old granny eating a new hole in my back.

Having written this post, I’ve come to the realisation that, being resorted to writing about old grannies, your life cannot get more dreary… how pathetic!

Tangles Of Life

If I could sum up my life in a single picture it would have to be this one, a big fat tangle:

Like when your headphones are all tangled up. How do they get that way, when you leave them all nice and straight. It's as though they come to life whilst you're sleeping or away and decide to play 'hide-en-seek'. Except there's nowhere for them to hide since they're attached to each other. So they just end up getting into a mess and later cause a great deal of frustration when you find them!

And when you finally straighten yourself out, you wonder about the meaning of life, was it worth getting all those tangles straightened out??:

And sometimes... well you just got to search for it else where:

... and wish for the best...

And maybe, just maybe, things start happening. The jigsaw puzzle of your life starts falling into place, and you know gleefully that your pet dog called Snowy hasn't swallowed a piece! Finally you can see the whole picture, and you think to yourself that at last your dreams can actually come true:

But life isn't as simple as that. One too many sugar-rushes to the head start to make you curious. Questions about your kingdom full of chocolate and worst, your life:

... and then bad things start to happen. You start to resent those around you, especially all those annoying silly people with their fake smiles:

... thus, you come to the conclusion that if you were content with what you previously had before, your life wouldn't be in a big tangle once again, and you therefore wouldn't be forced to live with all the crazy people of the world... except there's no one left. Your only friends are the tablets you stumble upon, which help make you lucid, and your final thoughts are that at least you didn't succumb to Alzheimer's:

(Pictures produced by Edward Monkton)

... is there such a thing as destiny??... I'm still searching for my jigsaw pieces.

Discombobulated & Accidental Farts

Who the hell is Tom Jones & what the heck is a bell-end or a muff-diver for that matter?!? Yet again i was the 'innocent kid' at work, who apparently has no 'life experience'. I know for a fact that they were laughing at me and not with me, since i wasn't laughing at all. I was more discombobulated than anything else. Of course i don't take these things seriously... how can you when your work-colleagues look at you in shock and disbelief to then keel over with laughter and let out an accidental fart! However, one advantage is that my little bubble of thought is steadily expanding and one day it will burst and I'll no longer be as naive.